The direct entry midwives here are scary. I don’t think the labor will hold for me to get to the hospital, and even if it does, I don’t like the idea of a repeat perfromance of ~N~’ birth. 
The more I think about it the more I resent the obstetrics ward because they really really play on your fears and in more than a few cases, cause the problems they’re there to fix “just in case.” I was treated shittlily initially because they believed I had labored at home. I didn’t! But even if I had, what the hell business was it of theirs? What’s wrong with that? The nurses I dealt with were much more interested in completing charts than helping me deliver my son. It was not a good scene, and they only shut up when the OB got there and told them to back off a little bit. Even then, I had four (FOUR!!!!!!!!) nurses in the back of the room (their words not mine) “watching the fun.” The only purpose they served was to bodily prevent my best friend and doula from getting into the room in time for his birth. 
My OB wants to induce me to prevent both scenarios. Even the midwives attached to his practice think that’s a good idea. The one I spoke to said she thought I would get exactly the same treatment if I prevented the same way again. The caveat is this: it won’t work! Say I submit to an induction. They won’t do inductions before 39 weeks. I delivered G at 38.5 weeks, and ~N~at 38 weeks. Where does it leave me? Back at square one.
My OB is confused and thinks I resent the hospital they use because of what happened with ~N~, so he offered to induce me elsewhere. I have been induced at that hospital and it was great. It’s what they LIKE to do, so I had no problems. Except now that I have delivered naturally, I know what I missed. And I don’t want the extended recovery time I had with a “managed delivery.” You hurt yourSELF when you can’t feel the baby coming out; you push too hard.
Both the pediatrician and the OB want me to go the hospital even if I deliver en route. WHY WHY WHY would I want to do that? The pediatrician has a damn office. He can see my baby there. Why would I choose to pay a facility 5 grand out of pocket for a delivery they didn’t facilitate? 
I feel like I have been backed into a corner here where none of my choices is appealling. Needless to say, especially in a community like ours where there are six hospitals within easy driving distance, unassisted childbirth is heavily scorned . I am not married to the concept either, but bringing in a midwife who even the crunchy granola hippy mamas dont trust is just as bad to me.
I just remember– and this is in my original birth story for ~N~– how peaceful and calm it was when it was just me and P-daddy. I was calm, not in a heck of a lot of pain, and in total control right through transition. I was amazed, completely, that birth didn’t have to hurt or be scary. THEY scare you with all their needles and what-ifs and starvation. Delivery was a nightmare because all hell broke loose with the spastic nurses. Omit them, and I am not sorry, I think a home birth would be wonderful.
I keep imagining a January delivery at night, in front of our huge fireplace, with a roaring fire and candes all around. In my perfect fantasy world, ~N~ sleeps through it and G hangs out being little doula woman. (She’s growing a baby too, btw– a baby boy named Reis Fr.) I imagine going back to bed with the newborn and going on with our lives.
————————–
Added March 2008: This last paragraph is what happened, just in another state, another house, and of course, in December. 
Incidentally–or not– Danny called the birthdate!. On 8-19-04 she writes
[quote] YEAH! Bring the whole Fam! We’ll set you up in the Tree house! New Year’s Party at the Fr’s!!! 
Oh yeah, ~L~, is it okay that I invite Tera’s Tribe for your birthing party???[/quote]
